Ask yourself is what really constitutes a perfect relationship? A lot of times our clients come to us and they really want it to be perfect. Perfect is a tough goal. You know that. What really is perfect? Is there a rule? We are so different because all of us are so unique and our quirks and our differences make us unique. So, a perfect date for Betty may just be snuggling up under the white sheets and watching a beautiful romantic movie on Netflix and eating popcorn, but for her partner’s Steve it perfect might actually be a night out with clubbing and dancing with friends and painting the town red.
In this blog I will talk about :-
- Rule Number 1
- The FACES Model – The 5 essentials of a good relationship
- Awareness And Acceptance
- Emotional Management
- Self Esteem
Rule Number 1
So what really is perfect? A lot of my clients come to me and they tell me they’re unhappy – their definition of perfect is not what their partners is as every client is different from the next client you meet. So perfect is individual and unique, but what do you need to know is that you are responsible for your perfect. That is what you need to drill into your head and into the head of your clients. You are responsible for your relationship experience. This is a very empowering and yet mind boggling concept. When we accept this statement, we realise how empowered we are to make a change in our relationship status.
Your relationship experience, all about you.
Keep repeating this to yourself again and again. When you make it about your partner- he’s not the right person, he’s doing things wrongly or he’s a gambler; when you make it about your partner, your disempower yourself. You must remember that you are in charge of your relationship experience. Most relationships have overlapping experiences. He makes you feel happy. You feel the passion. You guys have exciting, adventurous moments and he is activating the positive vibration inside you but he also activates the negative vibration in you. Like you feel resentment or jealousy or anger towards him.All partners activate both your positive and negative vibrational states.
Pause for a while and ask yourself, what does it really mean to be 100% responsible in my relationship? Why do I want to be in this relationship?A lot of people don’t understand what does a relationship gives them them before they actually get into it. In historic times, people just gotten married, got into relationships, had a life partner. It was the norm or expectation. Why really do you want to be in a relationship? What is it that you want to heighten in your relationship experience? Those high states of joy and positivity or those low states of conflict, misery and drama.
The Faces Model
This defines the 5 elements you need to make a balanced relationship. Like I said before, there’s no such thing as perfect but balanced is what we aim for. This FACES model is a gauge on the 5 factors important for a good relationship.
It’s all about having fun, right? What is a good relationship without having a good time? So the first point is fun, fun, fun. That’s really nothing more I can say about fun, but there are five really basic things that you need to do. Ask yourself –
1.Is he a fun playmate?
2.Are you having the right attitude in the relationship?
3.Are you making time for each other?
4. Are you taking initiative in this relationship?
5. Are you both doing things together?
No matter how busy you are, do you actually set out half an hour a day to actually connect with your partner? Is he a party pooper? Does he constantly get annoyed by activities that you organise and make fun about them? Does he sometimes compromise and agree to take part in the fun? Does he enjoy the same fun things that you as you and is he a fun playmate to be with? So the first one being the lowest score and the last one being the highest goal. This is how you go through this entire list.
The next one is having the right attitude. Now sometimes not everything is going to be hunky dory. You have to really make the effort to try and make it fun. You have to make time. You have to try and take things out of your life and make a commitment. Setting a time to just be there. Does he feel annoyed and angry all the time or is he open to do fun things together?
The next thing is making time. Is he always busy and constantly never has time for you? Then obviously the relationship is not great because he’s not even giving you any time as opposed to does he always make sure to give you enough time. You will also learn to understand your partner at different levels, when we go through the elemental test later on. I’ve got many, many concepts but this FACES model is the initial thing that you use to know your clients when they come in to you.
The next one is taking initiative. Does he actually never plan anything and just sits there and expects you to do everything or does he always make sure to plan a special anniversary for you or plan a night out. It’s okay to do it but would you like your partner to do it?
Lastly, do you do fun things together? Now it’s just not sometimes about sex and intimacy, but it’s just about hanging out, going for a bicycle ride, going wake boarding, and going to the botanical gardens. Are you both doing fun things? Or all you do is talk about the kids and your work and the crisis at the moment?
Acceptance & Awareness
The next is acceptance and understanding. That’s really an important aspect of the FACES model because you need to learn how to accept your partner. So the five aspects to this as well. The first thing you must do is not judge your partner. He’s unique. So are you. He is special. So are you. We need to have unconditional acceptance of this particular fact. That means you’re not supposed to judge him when he puts up the toilet seat or calls his mom five times a day. Do you expect your partner to think like you or do you act with love and understanding and basically accept him for who he is.
The next one is acknowledged and edify your partner. Catch your partner doing small things of love and actually praise him for it. If he calls you when you are sick, that’s a small act of love. Do you thank him and acknowledge him for that. When he comes and picks you up in a bad traffic, are you grateful?
The third thing is honouring his values. Are you actually accepting him for who he is? We’re all different and we all come from different cultures, different backgrounds, different upbringing and different lifestyles. Are you regarding his values and trying to follow them and trying to make them an important part of your life or do you totally disregard and disrespect them? For example, if he doesn’t eat beef, are you actually tolerant to that fact or are you basically cook up a steak all the time just because you love having it?
Giving 120%. When I tell this to my clients, they always say, “why should I give 120% if he’s giving only 80?” The rule of a good relationship is to always give more that your partner expects and expect nothing in return. So sharing a story of my client, she was not expecting her partner to be there for her for her birthday. He popped up with a bouquet of flowers and she was so overjoyed because he showed up. The next year he gave her a bouquet of flowers and she was really upset because she expecting him to do something really massive for me. When you actually expect something, it makes you disappointed.
Honouring your commitment. Now if you’re in a relationship, it is a commitment. It’s not a convenient situation. Do you feel he acts out of convenience or, or is he really committed to the relationship where the going gets tough? Does he really commit and step up and do his bit for the relationship?
One of the most important facets I think is communication. For me, communication is really the greatest thing and I can’t stress more. The first thing is clean, clear and respectful communication. That’s so important. Please do not be abusive. So is your partner disrespectful, vulgar, abusive and he uses words that actually hurt you or does he speak to you with love and respect? Now this is very important. A lot of people are used to being spoken down to by their partners and this is something they shouldn’t tolerate. You really have to draw boundaries in your relationship.
Are you really communicating your needs to your partner? Remember your partner is not a magician or a mind reader. He can’t lead your thoughts. So if you really want a party for your birthday, tell him that. Tell him you want to be surprised. Tell him you want something and that you expect him to do something special for you. Don’t just sit there and say nothing. Tell them your needs. Communicate. Does he really tell you what he wants or does he just expect you to know what he wants in the relationship. A lot of times even the men, they don’t really tell us what they want or how they want us to treat them thus the misunderstandings.
Listen rather than talk. Listening is so, so, so important. Does he just seem disinterested when you talk? Is he like constantly playing his game or on Facebook or are you preparing dinner and not really listening to him? Listening attentively when your partner is so important in a relationship.Also keep the relationship gossip free. A lot of times you share your problems with your friends or your sister and your mother and that will create betrayal and mistrust. So it’s good to actually not turn things sour and keep whatever problems you have actually within the relationship.
Finally, action is the best form of communication. Small acts of love actually build up the emotional bank. Just a small note to say thank you for nothing. Just a small meal to spend a night together. Writing to your partner. Really small acts of thoughtfulness help in the longevity of a relationship
We’ve looked at the first three facets, which are the more physical aspects of a relationship. Let’s talk about emotional management now. Emotions play a very big part in relationships. A lot of times people say things when they’re angry and a lot of breakups happen when you’re in a totally emotionally reactive state. So managing your emotional reactive state is key. Do you always have a knee jerk reaction to his issues? If your partner tells you he’s going on a boys night out, do you just totally become upset? Do you feel angry and shout on the phone and you block him on WhatsApp? Now why did you actually just? All those thoughts running through your head and this rant about how you feel bad about things. This is you getting reactive. So what you’re supposed to do is that you’re supposed to manage your emotionally reactive state.
You’re supposed to think, decide and then act. Does he also always just have a knee jerk reaction when you present him with issues? Let’s say you tell him that you can’t spend time with him this weekend because your mom’s coming to town. Is he’s going to get upset and throw a tantrum or does he practice non attachment and non-reaction?
You need to detach from your emotions.If you know he wants to go on a boy boys night out, you have to stop reacting and think. He’s calling you to tell you. Maybe he really needs some me time and hasn’t gotten that for awhile. Maybe his friends has cornered him to go so put your emotions out of that situation.If you’re already in a bad mood or if you’re already feeling reactive don’t deal with it now. You need to put your emotions out of that situation, you will actually think better. Same for your partner.
Does he attach judgment to every action? I have a client in Spain. Her partner judges every action of hers. If she wants to do anything, he constantly judges her. So one need to practice detachment. We need really understand each other you because not everyone is alike and not everyone is perfect.
Next is forgiveness. It is Important to forgive and accept yourself and your partner. Forgiving will help you heal and heal the relationship as well to remember we are all not perfect. It’s just that if the good outweighs the bad, then you choose to stay in the relationship. If you keep bringing up your partner’s mistakes again and again in the relationship, you’re using that as a manipulative way to have an upper hand. and that is something that you shouldn’t do. You shouldn’t be a doormat in a relationship where you’re allowing your partner to treat you badly but at the same time, if you want things to work, there has to be a way to actually accept that situation in your life by drawing boundaries.
Let’s move on to avoid self-sabotage. If you something upsets your partner then just avoid that because you’re actually calling for trouble. If you know your girlfriend doesn’t like you to go for boys night’s out, then maybe prepare to tell her this over a period of time and don’t just spark it on her like. That’s how you avoid putting yourself in the ditch and doing something your partner doesn’t like.
The last one is building love. The emotional bank needs to be rebuilt with little acts of hugs, kisses, notes and love. It’s the little things that we focus on that would actually get the emotional bank going higher and higher. So ask yourself are small things triggering you and are you basically not looking at the bigger picture? Why are we actually together? Do we really enjoy our moments of togetherness? Do I love him?.
These points in the FACES model are really not in any chronological order order of importance because every one of these points from fun to awareness and acceptance to communication to emotional management and to self esteem – every one of these facets are equally important. I’ve created this FACES model, you won’t find this model on the internet. I’ve actually analysed relationships – all the clients I’ve had, every part of this is very important and self esteem is extreme importance.
If you’re coming from a place where you feel not good enough, you can’t ever be in a healthy relationship. You just never going to be able to do this. You need to work on your self esteem. Do you feel unworthy? You’ll be surprised how many clients come to me and tell me their self esteem is at a 2 out of a 10 or at a 4 out of a 10.If youI feel unworthy then thats the part of the problem we need to work on firs because when you come into a relationship, you have to come with a full cup. Only then can you fill up your partner’s cup. Like in the aviation industry, you’ve got to put on your own mask before you get help the person sitting next to you or even your child. In the same way, if you are feeling unworthy and unloved, you don’t have a full cup – you can’t love someone else.
Secondly, self-compassion. Stop being critical. So many people are so harsh and critical of themselves. We all tend to judge ourselves and this is something you really need to work on. When you have self acceptance and self-love issues, you can’t ever find a perfect relationship because every relationship you’re in, you’re not able to even love yourself. Thus how can you love someone else? Like I keep saying, your vibe attracts your tribe. So if you’re focusing on self-loathing instead of self love and self compassion, how can you love someone else?
Next is give up your right to be offended. Now, sometimes your partner is in a bad mood. He has had a bad day at work. He’s come back, he snaps at you, and then you get offended and you make a snide remark and you both get into trouble with each other. A lot of times it’s just human nature.Every person has a different quirk and different personality . You just have to learn how to navigate that and let the small things go and see the bigger picture.
The next one is don’t blame your partner. Don’t blame anybody else except yourself. We love to blame others. He was the one. It’s his fault. He’s not adjusting. He’s not good enough. He’s not expressing his love to be. It is a two way street. All relationships are. So if anything go wrong, take responsibility for that. Lastly, work on yourself. Doing this course is one great way of actually learning about your own relationships. Honestly, I’ll recommend every one to do this course because we learn so much about relationships that handling them.
I don’t mean you’ll have the perfect relationship with unicorns flying and flowers blooming. You become so empowered and connected with your divine soul purpose. You probe hard at your relationships. Ask yourself -do I really want to be in this relationship? Is it suiting me? I’ve had clients who have done healing work and intuitive work with me, and after that realised that this relationship wasn’t the right one. This is empowerment. Being stuck in a relationship where you don’t have a choice is disempowerment.
A relationship failure happens when you’re actually tolerating a relationship. So really, really work on yourself. Understand yourself and work on yourself esteem. Do you believe in working on yourself and are you investing in your personal development daily?
Very simply, I told you there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship and I hope you understand and believe that. I hope this FACES Model helps you gauge your relationship and find out how perfect it is.