Why Am I Still Single ?
Have you tried and failed (and tried again) to find that one special person with whom you can share your life? For over 5 years, as a Relationship Coach, I have helped many singles find the love of their life and build relationships that last. Most of those singles experienced the same struggle that you probably have faced – how to find that one special person with whom you can share your life.
We all want and deserve an amazing love relationship , yet in today’s world finding someone to have a great relationship with is harder than it has ever been. Even with an increasing number of ways to connect it is more and more difficult to make a real connection. Most singles waste precious time and energy on people who just aren’t a good fit for them. What’s missing for most singles is understanding the secrets for easily, effectively, and efficiently attracting the partner who’s right for you.
So quite often clients will come to us and if they’re single, they may be need help finding a partner That’s why they would see a relationship coach, They’re single and they’re not happy with that situation. They want to find a life partner. They want to find a relationship. As relationship coaches, we can also work with single clients. In this blog I will cover the following:-
- Why people are single
- The real reason why people are single
- How can a relationship coach help
Why people are single
1. Lack of interest
Maybe they are just not interested in being in a very serious relationship at that time in their lives because work is taking over or that so many things happening. This usually stems from too much stress or work in their lives and thus the need for relationships don’t matter.
Sometimes people are single because of circumstances in their life. Maybe they’re on a break because they’ve just got out of a bad relationship or they have just dated nonstop and relentlessly and have not found someone who’s truly compatible with them. So they give up.
Number three is pickiness. Sometimes we are just pickier and more judgmental than ever. This is very, very true. After we’ve had bad experiences, Where we actually feel deceived and rejected by a person who we had strong feelings for before, or we’ve actually been cheated in a relationship,
Being single gives you a lot of freedom to do anything you want. Thus you can have more friends and a varied social network. , but also tended to provide and receive help from these people more than their married peers.Put simply, “being single increases the social connections of both women and men. Also the solitude makes them more creative and productive. That’s one of the reasons why many single people have commitment issues- they fear their freedom will be taken way and thus they have to become slaves of their partners.
5. Being Self Sufficient
With age, people tend to retreat further and further into their comfort zones. A lot of people these days are more and more successful, accomplished and self-sufficient, which are all extremely positive developments. Yet as women get more comfortable, be it financially or practically, it is also easier for them to form a bubble from which it is difficult to emerge. It can feel harder to take risks or put themselves out there. After a long day’s work, many of us may feel more like putting on pajamas and crawling into bed than going out into the uncertain and anxiety-provoking world of meeting people. We all have certain habits and lifestyles. Sometimes we are so used to being single that accepting another person – quirks and all just seems too much to handle.
The real reason for people choose to be single
Now what is the energy behind all these reasons? If they have been dating before and are now on a break from a bad relationship or they’re single because of choice because of circumstances in their life – energetically there’s something deeper going on.That’s what we’re going to tell them, and we’re going to help them find out. Now first of all, let’s look at the energetic reasons why people choose to stay single.
- Defensive action
First First one is defensive action. most people have been hurt in relationships before. With time and painful experiences, they actually have a risk that’s built up, And there’s bitterness around them that’s made them very, very defensive.Now this process begins really before you even start going on and looking for relationships maybe since your childhood, When hurtful interactions and dynamics actually led you to actually put a filter on the negative impact of adults, that’s really what happens. All these adaptations can cause you to become very, very self protective and closed off. In many adult relationships, we resist being too vulnerable and we write off people easily. This is what happens to many, many people. Remember we talked about heart walls. Heart walls can make you become so defensive that you really don’t allow anybody into your space. So, for example, if you were raised by parents or caretakers who were negligent or cold, you would go up feeling distrusting of affection. A lot of people are single because of that defensive action, the heart walls and the trapped emotions around them, which don’t allow them to actually give another one space to come into their life. So this is a reason where we can actually help them to clear that defense affection.
2. Unhealthy attractions
Now the second one is unhealthy attractions because when they’re acting on their defenses, what happens is that they tend to choose less than ideal relationship partners. So this is what happens, When you act on your defenses, you will tend to choose less than ideal relationship partners. And what happens is that you will have an unsatisfying relationship because you have chosen someone who’s not emotionally available and because this process is so unconscious, you often blame your partner if your relationship fails. Now remember we are responsible for our relationship experience. So if you’ve attracted this unhealthy attraction into your life, it’s because you’ve chosen to vibrate on that. So because of this bad relationships, one after the other. You tend to feel devastated and hurt by the repeated rejections without actually recognising that you are actually seeking out this pattern in your relationships. And this is where they keep, attracting this unhealthy relationships and therefore they choose to be single. Remember your vibe attracts your tribe. You only attract people into your life if you have liked vibrations with them. So if you’ve attracted unhealthy attractions into your life, you probably are practicing something unhealthy in your relationships that you need to correct.
3. Embedded fears of intimacy and togetherness
Another very, very deeply rooted and subconscious reason is our embedded fears of intimacy and togetherness. Many people have an unconscious motivation to seek out relationships that reinforce critical thoughts. They have had a long time towards themselves and replay the negative aspects of their childhood. So a lot of times you would see women who’ve had abusive dads or abusive uncles actually attract that into their life because they are vibrating on fear that by breeding on self doubt, self-hate, now these unpleasant attractions, I’m going to be in their lives. So you need to actually, these patterns and breaking these patterns can cause you a lot of anxiety and discomfort and that’s all it makes you very, very alien and alone in a very, very brutal world.
We just feel that, Oh, you know, I always attract the wrong kind of men. I’ve got so many clients who come to me with the same complaint. “Oh, I attract all the wrong kind of men. all the men I meet are all bad. I’m just destined to be in horrible relationships. I’m just destined to be single.” This is because they have built a pattern in their subconscious. This is a very, very common reason. Most people stay away from relationships. Again, this stems from deep rooted issues of the past and no one’s going to be 25 and have a fear of intimacy with a man from now, It’s something that’s happened before that’s made her believe this, like I’ve told you many, many times before, your subconscious is 90% of your total consciousness.
A lot of times we are not conscious of what’s happening, but on a deeper level, things have happened to us that have left imprints on our mind. And that’s what’s replaying our reality. So as the fear of intimacy is that your fear surrounding intimacy may manifest as concerns. If you feel a man likes you too much, you feel that, , even irrational reason not to date somebody. These are all the fears that actually come up or why is he liking me too much? What’s the catch here, why do I want to date this man? There’s nothing great with him. So all of these irrational fears come out or you punish the other person for being too critical. You even engage in nasty behaviour, essentially making sure you don’t get the loving response that you want. All you purposely chase this person off by doing this.
Now I had a client who does this, she’s with a younger man and what happens is that she has this fear of intimacy with him because she’s afraid that she would be, in love with him so deeply that she won’t be able to let go. So she constantly tries to say mean things to him and she’s critical of him and behaves badly because she’s trying not to get a loving response from him. That is stemming from her fear of intimacy that she has. The reality is that most people can only tolerate a certain amount of closeness. We are so defended about letting someone in and it affects us on a deeper level, we don’t necessarily want the love that we say we want. a lot of people say we want love, we want to be in loving relationships, but on a deeper level, everyone has so many insecurities that you don’t really let people come into a deeper level.
This is something that you can clear for your single clients. They’re single for a reason. There’s definitely a deeper reason that they are single. Even if some people say they choose to be single there are things that have happened in their life that have actually brought them to this point.
4. Past traumatic experiences
Another reason people are single is due to past traumatic experiences which have left an imprint on their subconscious. Sharing an example of one of my client, I met her in Bali where I was doing some sessions and she had been single for eight years. And her excuse and do herself was, “Oh, I’m focusing on my career. She had a very high post and a hotel in Amsterdam, and her excuse to herself was that, Oh, I have a career and I’m really busy and I need to focus on that.”
But really, deeply rooted was a past relationship that happened eight years ago that had scarred her. So that eight years when she was single was actually all her fears of intimacy, all that defensive action that she had put up to actually feel unable to allow somebody else into her life. Now remember, the subconscious remembers everything and fear of intimacy stems from past life occurrences. So the subconscious will remember, and that’s what the subconscious doesn’t let go. This is where you can help the single woman. I helped her and now she’s in a wonderful relationship.
5. Negative thoughts of lack
How many times have you said – there any good men out there. All the good men are taken. I’m destined to be alone and single and I’m left with all the bad eggs. These negative thoughts make you vibrate on the lack mentality. So that vibration of lack brings in nothing good for you into your life. Now we may have unrealistic expectations for our partners or we just keep finding fault in them, or you keep pinpointing all their faults at them and that’s what you do because you’re trying to be too picky. But in actual fact, you’re negative and critical and distrusting and thus you attract that into your life. You would write off a range of potential partners before we could even give them a chance,
5. Low Self Esteem
The next reason is low self esteem. This is another energetic reason why people are single. We all want fulfilling relationships, but we also believe that we are not worth it and no one is interested in us. I get this a lot. I get a lot of women who come to me telling me that, I know no one wants to be with me. I’m not beautiful. I’m not good enough. I can’t give a man anything in a relationship, so why would he want to be with me? Now we all possess this voices in our head that tell us that we are too fat, too ugly, too old, too different or too unavailable.
When we listen to this voices, we will engage in behaviours that will push people away. It’s very subconscious. There are so many times that I’ve seen single women who have opportunities to be with men, but because of their subconscious behaviours, they unknowingly push this person away. I’ve had clients who do this all the time, but they don’t realise they’re doing this. They then justify saying he was not good enough or, I don’t think I can make him happy. So there’s just so many layers to this whole thing. Our lack of confidence leaves us giving the signals of not being open and then it just creates a catch 22 situation. Because if you’re not going to let this person in, how is this person going to come in and you’re not going to let him in. So he’s going to not try and you’re going to feel he’s doing that because you’re not good enough. So it’s a vicious cycle.
6. Fixed Mindsets
The next one is fixed mindsets. People are single because of fixed mindsets are good because they often have rule books for themselves regarding relationships. the act based on the rules from their past and they create a cycle of disappointing relationships., I’ve been in a bad relationship before. I know how men are or I know how this works. I know that if I ever get into a relationship again, he’s going to treat me badly. This fixed mindset just makes you create a perpetual cycle of disappointing relationships and staying open is the best thing you can do in any relationship or any point in your life. If you believe you will be single, then you will attract this into your life. That’s what’s going to happen.
How can a relationship coach help
Remember the first and foremost relationship a client should have is with themselves. The fact that she’s come and seen you is because she’s not happy being single. So really single clients can benefit from a relationship coach too. If they realise a need for it and they are here to see you, then of course you can help them. We can help single people in various ways.
#1: Adopt a new view of relationships
With the help of a relationship coach, you can get a new understanding of what it means to get into a relationship with conscious intention. You will also get clarity about who you are and what you want in a relationship.
# 2: Discover the true relationship they desire
With your relationship coach you can deeply explore of what’s important to you as you begin your conscious search for the love of your life. With regular coaching lessons, you can get a clearer picture of what you want in a relationship and will begin to utilise a set of powerful tools for creating the love of your life.
# 3: Uncover what they really want in a relationship
You also get to uncover your deepest needs and wants for your future partnership. After coaching sessions, you will understand what it is that you want and need in a relationship and will have identified how you unknowingly sabotage getting what you really want in your relationships.
# 4: Embrace a mindful approach to relationships
You need to realise the important role that your friends and family play in supporting you and your relationships. After knowing this information, you’ll be more aware of your interactions with prospective partners, who you’re attracted to and how you present yourself. As you learn these skill, you’ll find yourself more able to relax and enjoy the experience of meeting new people.
# 5: Make your vision a reality with conscious action
A relationship coach will help you define your goals and make your plans for fulfilling your relationship vision. You are able to enjoy your personal strengths and goals knowing that you are on the right track to finding and creating a lasting relationship.
Imagine you are finally experiencing the love you deserve. Imagine sharing your life and growing old with your soul mate. Imagine feeling more connected to all the people in your life. Imagine waking up every day excited about your life and your future. Imagine living each day with more confidence and ease. Imagine knowing exactly what steps to take to find true love. Imagine having the kind of life and relationship that inspires others to go for their dreams. Imagine having a sense of peace and contentment that you are living the life you love with the love of your life.
Being single is a choice. We’ve been taught to hold onto the “hope” that we’ll eventually meet someone and be happy. But what if instead we held onto the truth that we’re allowed to be happy right now? That we’re worthy of being happy right now? I think we should dedicate effort to not giving up on ourselves, versus not giving up on the idea of “him.”
Ultimately you are responsible you your own happiness and relationship status. Your partner isn’t just going to fall into your lap. You will never meet anyone if you don’t try. It seems like the burden – but remember the onus is always on you. Put in some effort, explore more avenues, figure out the puzzle. And remember you can always ask for help.