Why Can’t I Love Unconditionally?
The four letter most abused word – LOVE. A survey was done and they found that love is the source of ultimate happiness for everyone. However most love these days is conditional sadly. In this blog I will talk about :-
- The 2 kinds of love
- The greatest principle governing our lives
- The 3 step blueprint for failure we need to avoid
- The physics of true love
- Heart TV
The 2 kinds of love
Most love these days is Eros. Its the What Is It In For Me ( WIIIFM) kind of love. Most people love based on what they can benefit from the other person and they love to either give themselves pleasure or take away pain. Their love also depends on the qualities of the other person and the external circumstances.
The other kind of love is Agape. This is the spontaneous, unconditional love. You love because it is in you nature, not because of any external qualities or circumstances. You genuinely want to connect and create value in others and in return you don’t expect anything. Agape love comes from in internal and external state of true happiness and living in the present moment. This is our natural state of being but due to “STRESS” we have forgotten and love more like EROS.
The greatest principle governing our lives
Ask yourself this question – what do you want more than anything else right now? What is your number one goal in your life right now? Think about this carefully – the answer has to be honest. Don’t filter it and don’t try and justify it to make you seem good or make the answer socially acceptable. If you don’t know what you want or wont really admit what you truly want, it wont work. Now there are 2 rules here. Rule 1 is you only have one wish. Rule 2 is you cant wish for something that takes away the free will of someone else.
If your answer was anything but an internal state you got the wrong answer. So if you said good job, money, health, relationships and everything else that is external, it is self defeating and will create more unhappiness in your life. If what you want more than anything else, its the right answer because of 4 things.
- You can always achieve it
- Once you achieve it, no one can take it away from you
- Once you achieve it, it will completely fulfil and satisfy you
- Any external circumstance will come as a free bonus for you
So how do we achieve this internal state of joy, peace and love? There are 5 simple rules.
- Give up expectations
- Do things from an inward state of love
- Focus on the present moment
- Have the faith to receive it
- Contemplate, meditate and pray
Once you work on it more and more, you will know deep inside. You will feel warm, excited and peaceful. You will have a lightness in your being. There will be no worry and fear. Your thoughts, beliefs and actions will automatically change.
3 step blueprint for failure
This is what traditional model teach us. Every coach or school will teach you to do these three things to get love and happiness.
- Focus on what you want to achieve
- Figure out how to get there
- Put your plan into action
1 and 2 focus on the end results, which is the expectation. As I have told you before, expectation is the first killer. Expectation puts you in a state of stress. When the body is stressed, it creates negative feelings, drains energy, stops blood flow and thus causes distress in the body
3 on the other hand relies solely on willpower. This is not enough to make goals happen. When we have the willpower but our heart is not in it, we never achieve anything. So for example if I want to be with a loving kid partner but deep in my subconscious I have experiences with an abusive dad, as much as I try ( willpower) it won’t work.
Our minds have a pain and pleasure programming mechanism. The pleasure part has good is based on safety and good memories. The pain part is based on bad experiences and every time you are faced with a similar memory, you either freeze, fight, run or stop due to the stress/shock mechanism that is activated. The logical mind or the willpower will cease to work. This is very subconscious and thus willpower won’t work.
That us why when we are “programmed” for being unloved since young any form of therapy, hypnosis or regression therapy doesn’t work.
Physics of true love
So thus, as I have explained, will power and affirmations don’t work. Your subconscious doesn’t believe it and its not coming from a place of love, thus it causes stress. As we grow up we generate three types of beliefs:-
- Placebo Beliefs – this is believing a positive untruth. It is fear based and temporary and works 32% of the time. Foe example I am with a kind and loving man. This belief or affirmation if isn’t based on truth or love won’t work for you. It will create a temporary positive effect.
- Nocebo Beliefs – this is believing a negative untruth. These are splinters or misinterpretations in our programming. These are also fear based and cause problems 30-40% of the time. For example, you have found a kind and loving man but you have doubts and don’t trust him or your good luck. What is he harms me or cheats on me? Even if you have found the ideal man, there are blocks in your mind and you will self sabotage the relationship.
- Defacto Beliefs – this is believing the whole truth and understanding it. It works 100% of the time and it is love based. When I truly believe in something and come from a place of love, that belief works. I want to find a kind and loving man. That’s a great affirmation, you need to see it, taste it, feel it and know it.
So how do we move from placebo and nocebo to defacto? By changing our current programming. Our current programming is based on life experiences, our DNA and all the truth and lies we have told ourselves in our mind. All these are there based on our fear based experiences developed in our brain from 1-6 years old and they are related to issues of self worth and identity. Guilt, shame, living up to our elders expectations, judging and non forgiving ourselves cause this fear based programming in our minds to grow and thus we cant ever find love.
Heart TV Tool
This is an effective way to remove the negative programming in our subconscious. Close your eyes and think about your last meal. See it, tase it, smell it, feel it. Who was there when you were eating it? What conversations did you have? If you cant imagine this, most likely you have brain damage or you have numbed your brain our by too much pain.
Now to heal your painful memories, do this.
- Imagine a blank screen, the bigger the better. The top half are the good memories and the bottom half are the bad memories.
- Take your emotional temperature. What are you experiencing right now vs what you want to experience? Let’s say the emotion is anger.
- See the anger on the TV. It could be feelings, emotions, words, images, people.
- If you can’t see anything, see the word anger on the TV and just relax and see what happens.
- Let the light and love shine on the anger on the heart TV. Picture this light and love on the screen.
Do this once or twice a day, as long as you like. Be transported into the inner world. If you feel scared, take someone with you. This isn’t meditation and about emptying your mind. It is the opposite. The solution is not to disengage but to engage and heal the source of the internal fear. Practise this more and more.
Always remember ask yourself, what is the one thing I want to achieve ? Is it peace? Love? Joy? Safety? Give up all expectation of receiving from the start and surrender to the end result. Always be in the present moment. Do things in love and truth. Things won’t happen instantly, there will always be delayed gratification in the present moment.
Live in love and truth always.