Your Relationship Experience Is All About You

A lot of people ask me what do I mean by by this? How can this be? How can my relationship experience be all about me when there is another person involved.

Growing up very few of us have learnt how to take responsibility for our own fullness, happiness, peace, and joy. We weren’t taught it and never really practise it. If we want to manifest a particular feeling in our relationships – we need to maintain that energy within us. It is your experience and you need to own it. You are creating it – it is your perception of your relationship and you and you alone attracted that person and every situation in your life.

In this blog, we cover this:-

  1. Self Abandonment – the reason why we stop loving ourselves from an early point in life and thus need others to love us make us know our worth.
  2. Fears in the relationship – We all have fears when we come into a relationship – either from past experiences or exposure to circumstances in our childhood. This is the main cause of most modern day dysfunctional relationships.
  3. Taking Responsibility – Knowing you are in charge is empowering! When you know you are in control of your relationship, it gives you power to make the changes and make the relationship the way you want it to be.
  4. Vibrational States – What are vibrational states and how we can change our vibrational states to attract or repel people.
  5. Steps to change – The way to change your vibrational state to attract the right partner.
  6. The process – the one word method explained in detail.

Self Abandonment

I am going to introduce you to a key concept. The root cause of all your relationship problems is self abandonment. What do I mean by self abandonment? This means you have abandoned yourself whilst growing up. We aren’t really taught to take responsibility for our feelings, our happiness, our peace, and our joy. We  aren’t  taught as children and thus we never practiced it. Imagine I have a child and I tell my child, “ I want you to find somebody who can love you and then I’m going to love you.”

This is what you are doing to your inner child. You are leaving your love, your happiness and your needs in the hands of another person to decide its worth. So when you’re not in a relationship or when your partner treats you badly, you feel like a fish out of water because you just don’t know how to love yourself. You don’t know your value and self worth and your need a relationship and your man to decide what’s your value?

If he treats you badly and leaves you, you feel abandoned and unwanted.I’m destined to be alone. I’m ugly. I’m a failure. I would never meet the right man who would want to be. I’m not good enough.I’m selfish because I don’t give my family time.  Do all these statements sound familiar?These are all ways you abandon yourself.

We do not want to be responsible for our experience. Thats the harsh truth. We abdicate responsibility and expect our partner to be responsible for our happiness.

We all get into relationships because we want to be loved and happy. Its like having a half empty cup and you are want your partner to fill it u for you. Guess what – he has  half a cup too. You want him to fill your cup but he’s got only half a cup to give and if he’s going to give you some from his half cup, he will have less and less. He obviously is in the same situation as you – he wants to fill up his half cup too. He is also coming from a place of self abandonment. Thus it becomes a vicious cycle of expectation from both sides

Fears in my relationship

We all abandon ourselves differently . One of the twin major fears is the fear of rejection, – of not being loved. When we feel our partner isn’t giving us enough love and attention, we demonstrate this fear by being angry, judging ourselves and our partner and lashing out at our partner when we don’t get our way in the relationship.

On the flip side, there is a fear of being controlled, of losing yourself to another’s demands. We demonstrate this fear instead by caving in instead. If we feel feel controlled, consumed, invaded, suffocated, dominated, and overwhelmed by our partner we simply go silent.

You deal with these two fears by ignoring your feelings and your wants in the relationship or you feed your partner with adoration and sex, to win his attention and approval, and fill your life up with pleasing him. You become the perfect caretaker – you ignore your feelings and  tend to his feelings constantly.

The common level of pain is the degree in which we ignore our feelings and avoid responsibility for our happiness. You try to use your partner to fill the emptiness inside you. Do you know how sad and depressing that is? That is what your inner child is feeling. Do you realise that you are doing this to her again and again by needing your partner’s approval to validate your existence .

You blame your partner for the bad dynamics of your relationship and your relationship feels unsafe. You both end up feeling unhappy, each believing that your pain is the result of your partner’s behaviour. You feel victimised, helpless, stuck, and disconnected from your partner. You desperately want your partner to see what he is doing to you and understand why he is causing your pain.

You think that if  only your partner understands you, if only he changes – and you exhaust yourself trying to figure out how to make your partner change. Over time, passion dries up. Superficiality, boredom, fighting, and apathy take its place.

Does it make sense now?  Self abandonment cannot be healed or overcome by getting someone else’s love.

Let me repeat again, self abandonment is what we all have  in different forms – low self esteem, body image issues ,family trauma, shame and secrets carried forward from childhood or past life scars. You and you alone need to heal that. How ? By taking responsibility.

Taking responsibility

When you take responsibility for your relationship and stop blaming your partner. you are taking charge of how you want to feel in your relationship.So you will ask me – how is that possible?  My partner doesn’t understand me. He’s very controlling. He is the problem. I want to change him.

We constantly want to change others – and we forget its really about us. In reality, we cannot change anyone – we have no free will over their  actions.

Let me tell you a harsh truth. You have attracted your partner in your life. We attract people we are vibrationally alike to – sometimes consciously and sometimes unconsciously.

We attract who we are – because somewhere within you, you are like them. We sometimes hate to admit it because it isn’t pretty. Take a moment to think of all the people in your life and see how their negative vibrational state has a similarity to you in some way. Be honest with yourself. Contemplation is the only way to change yourself and your relationship.

Sharing my personal experience, I used to get annoyed by my mother in law. She’s very judgemental and sharp with her words. When I really looked within myself – I must admit I am very judgemental too. I do know how to hurt people with my words when I feel threatened. I feel my partner is very controlling and he also likes to make me feel small by glorifying his achievements. And when I contemplate,  as much as I don’t like to admit it, I am a control freak as well, maybe not with him but with aspects of my own life. I too love bragging about myself and love accolades on my successes. So why do his traits annoy me.

Vibrational states

People show up in our lives because of like vibrational states. We all serve to activate vibrational states in one another. It could be positive vibrational states of fun, power, joy, knowingness and negative vibrational states if guilt, remorse, obligation and frustration. When wonderful people show up in our lives, they serve to create positive relationship experiences for us. When bad people show up in our lives, they are also critical for our growth. We tend to blame them and want to change them. If you are truly honest with yourself, they are like you and you embody their traits as well. They are here to teach you about yourself as a mirror.

No one can send you negative vibrations- you already have them in you. These people simply activate the vibrations in you. Unlike vibrations don’t attract, in fact they repel. If you don’t share a like vibration with someone, they don’t ever show up in your life.No one can make you feel anything. When we make it about our partners and blame them for our bad relationships, we disempower ourselves and abdicate responsibility.

Steps to change

So when I say my relationship experience is about me – I am taking charge of my experience – and that’s the key to changing things in your life. You want to change your tribe, you need to change your vibe! It’s as simple as that.

How do you do this? Let me take you through the process.

  • You need to ask yourself-what vibrational state does my partner activate in me?
  • How does he make me feel?
  • What is my perception of the energy of my relationship?

You have the power to shift your vibrational state. If you shift it, one of two things happen in your relationship.

1.Your partner ceases to exist in your life as there is no point of attraction. This is called deselection.

2.Your partner recalibrate his negative vibrational state to match yours.

Your relationship shifts away from the negative vibrational state, the negative side goes away and only a positive relationship is left.

Isn’t that empowering? YOU have the power to choose who YOU want in YOUR life. Of course most partners activate the positive as well as the negative vibrational states in us. Energy is fed through attention – when we feed energy into a vibrational quality within us, it becomes more pronounced in us.

So for example, if your spouse is frustrating you, that energy of frustration is somewhere within you. Ask yourself – What am I frustrated with in my life? Work? My relationship with my mum? My weight? My finances? Contemplate this and try and remove that negative vibrational state of frustration from your life.

But what do we do instead? We magnify the problem. We try to fix our frustrated spouse. We talk to our friends about him. We keep thinking why he’s frustrated and try to change him – all futile efforts which actually feed more into the negative vibrational energy thus attract more such like vibrations.

So a client asked me once, can I pretend to have a likeness to a particular vibrational state? Well of course you can pretend but its definitely going to be inauthentic and meaningless. Our relationships serve us in augmenting our vibrational states. Its upto us to choose which vibrational states we want to heighten within our experience. And sadly but truly, we all focus on the negative vibrational states.

Ask yourself – which vibrational state do I want augmented in my relationship? When we shift our vibrational state, we change our circumstances. We change what we attract and our relationship experience changes. It doesn’t work by trying to fix or change people.

The Process

So here are the steps on how to do it.

  1. Ask yourself, what vibrational state exists in my relationship now and why does it show up?
  2. Decide on what vibrational state you want instead? Be specific in one word.
  3. Change your actions to match your vibrational state through new action steps.
  4. Stop feeding energies to the negative vibrational state in you.
  5. Practice non-reaction/

So let’s discuss this with an example. For example you are feeling frustrated with your partner. So the vibrational state is frustration. Now ask yourself why is this showing up in my life ? This is because it exists within me – find out why are you frustrated. Are you unhappy with your body? Do you feel stuck with your career? Are you feeling frustrated with your mom? Take ownership of the frustration in your life. Be honest.

Ask yourself, what do you want to feel instead with your partner. So lets say you want to feel satisfied in your relationship. You need to get moving and unstuck on all the things in your life that make you frustrated. You complaining about the frustration only feeds the energy. Try doing things that make you satisfied. Maybe change to a more satisfying job. Make the dreaded call to your mum and feel satisfied that the issue isn’t lingering on your head anymore. Change your lifestyle and start hitting the gym- it will give you a feeling of satisfaction with your body and health.

All these new actions will change your vibrational state – it will remove the frustration from your relationship because you ain’t vibrating on that feeling anymore, the situation in your relationship will automatically change. You both have been activating this feeling of frustration in one another – you both don’t like it but are both used to it.

What happens when you remove that energy from your vibrational state – your partner still has it within him. He will still engage with this energy, for a while, things will get a bit worse before they get better. He will probably complain more , be more frustrated. You need to practice non- reaction – don’t engage in the discussion, don’t react, resist talking about it. Transmute the energy – it wont show up in your life anymore. Like I said, either he will deselect or he will move away from the negative vibrational state to the positive.

Imagine you and your partner are throwing a ball to one another. He keeps throwing and you keep throwing back. The energy is continuous. If you stop throwing back – the energy circuit breaks!

This is what it means – your vibe attracts your tribe – your relationship experience is all about you. Can you shift energies in your partner? Absolutely not. It is against his free will – he has to want to change his relationship experience – it has nothing to do with you.If you want to manifest peace in your love life, its entirely possible. You have to work on yourself and that’s the only way it works.

We come into relationships expecting to get love rather than share love. We all do exactly this. Instead of taking responsibility for feeling loved, we tried to control our partners overtly – we get angry at them and blame them for not doing enough. They on the other hand deal with it covertly by withdrawing, shutting down or expecting the same from us. All these actions are methods of self abandonment and have very negative effects on the relationship.

Change your vibe, your tribe will follow.


Kaysha Ubrani

Kaysha Ubrani

Founder & CEO, Doctor Aphrodite Relationship Coaching Institute For Women Who Want To Gain Financial Freedom And Improve Their Own Relationship From The Comfort Of Their Own Home. DARCI, Doctor Aphrodite Relationship Coaching Institute, will give you a new business in 10 weeks! Become an intuitive relationship coach and live a life that makes you excited for Mondays!

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